Entry: Strange as I can be. Mar 16, 2004



Yesterday was almost symphonic for me, The world seemed musical, blurry to the true sight of my vison yet almost in perfect harmony, I ventured out into the big wide world for the first time in more then ten days and it almost seemed perfect.
Then i realised with great  sadness it wasn't,
how could it be  the perfect people are all dead in heaven...

My sons therapies went well and although it was riddled with meandering  saddened looks (those lil nods of understanding) from staff and others who by now knew about  "our personal crisis"  it was a good day for him...

I took him to his lil school sat there on the floor with 15, 3 year olds and sang  theres a hole in my bucket then left feeling almost like a great mother, and for about 5min and 35 seconds...I was!

I got to the car drove the 5minute drive to the new Super Target, reached in the back to retrieve my handbag and realised Obviously i was less then a great mother as sitting in the backseat was my sons lunch and drinks for the day.
I sighed that deep sigh of..  gosh now i have to go back there,
like his school was this big annoying place,
i may have to queue in a line to get something..." like the INS or DMV"...
It was less then five minutes drive and in less then 1minute i would be in and out the door and yet here i was thinking the day was destroyed by this one simple act of forgetfulness.

I drove back to the school dropped his lunch off,
as I started walking out I felt this urge to stand on a hill and scream,
obviously being at his school at 10 am in the morning wasn't really the right place to be doing this,
so instead i darted out in a flurry with tear swept eyes and sat in car like a bobblehead doll just waiting for some form of movement to get my jiggle on...

I eventually bobbled when a gardner from the school was at the rear of my car he started his whipper snipper up, and me being unaware he was there.... was startled, causing me to jump...
Ok... i thought ....
the body was kickstarted,  now would the mind please join in...!

I ventured back to target got what i wanted to buy which was car cleaning stuff...
I had no plan to go anywhere other then CDC  and yet here I was at the target buying stuff to clean my car..
Is there something weird about this scene..??
yup there is....
I don't clean my car, the carwash guys down the road i pay 16 bucks a month too, do it...
and let me tell you they do a mighty fine job, inside and out!
I always figured that was a lazy kind of cop out thing to do but its an suv and its just so, biggish...
however i have no excuse for taking my grand am there for 4 years prior..

I walked out of target having 128 dollars less then i had before i walked in there, i bought  my sons easter chocolates and basket and eggs,  reminding myself i did this so it won't be
"a chore i won't have to race around last minute to do now"
He also got some sandle thongs, myself a blouse that i probably will never wear, seens i own nothing it even matches, i just liked its colors.. as well as the cleaning products.

I drove home with my nose on my sleeve, my head up my arse and my vision somewhat clouded by the meer fact i just wasted money we don't  really have to waste..
I got home organised the CDC issue drove back there and dropped off the paperwork then called my husband for some brain bending and confirmation.
I then gave him a neurologists details for him to make an appointment at...
Then travelled to brandon, about 35 min drive south from me..
brandon has PET smart and Rack Room(a shoe outlet) The wonderchild required new runners and they sell Nike,  Reebok, Oshkosh, Converse,  blah blah at great prices...
Much cheaper then the mall sports stores and shoe stores..
I rallied through boxes of kids shoes, some ugly, wrong sizes, some not quite right,
 I hated shopping for shoes for him without the husband... we never buy our son anything without the other.. i guess we get somewhat more of a kick out of doing it together, as its for him...
it seemed weird as to why i decided to even take it upon myself to do this...
Something I'd never actually done before.
i truly would have liked the exact same ones i was replacing but they had none in that style anymore, so i settled on Nike's, they are nice shoes,  but another 42 dollars gone from the bank..

I had to go to Petsmart to buy molly a new collar and grab flea and worm stuff.
forgetting to get her worm and flea tablets requires you to bring in the dog...
another forgetful thing i added to the now growing list..

I was standing in petsmart absorbing in the smells of animals and animalia products, wondering if they would walk into a human store  and do the same thing if our worlds were reversed..
I have always thought this..., (excluding urine and faeces smells) The smell of animals is a werid thing...
I find it fascinating that u can walk past a human who has body odour and almost vomit..
and yet animals don't seem to be "that offensive" with their  natural smell.

maybe i just haevn't smelt a really bad animal before although when i was a kid we use to have a cockerspaniel who had a thing for rolling in dead animals specifically Qld cane toads ...and that was the most nauseating smell on an animal i have ever encountered, even dipping sheep and culling the fly blown rotten dagz of their arses was not as bad..

I started wandering aimlessly, enquired about the heart worm and flea tabs.." being reminded the dog had to be seen before they could be purchased"
I played with a puppy up for adoption, tickled some rabbits chins and talked to a rather not so friendly african grey parrot who was having a very destructive time of things with the sign
"do not touch cage" on his "cage" now missing partially thanks to him... 

I stopped as i saw this skink in a cage scuttering around like a mad thing  and then attacking the perspex facing of his cage like he had a real beef with it..
I guess being locked up in such a small space can even turn a small repitile into a neurotic..
i watched with interest remembering  my husbands love for lizards, knowing he so wanted to replace the one that died  in 2001 and we just never had..
almost without thinking i dialed him for the fourth time that day
and started going on about this crazy lizard, then  describing each of them at the store
and how cool they looked and were,
i was hinting without saying" do you want one?"
and he as dumb as he can be, went into a spiel about poisonous australian snakes
and sea snakes and how he had been arguing with someone about them,
i ended up hanging up thinking, i wish you would just shutup your wasting my minutes,
very weird thing to think really considering......... i called him!!!
and that i am passionate about Australian reptilia,
actually any animals really,
i find the animal kingdom just amazing,
but reptiles are a huge fascination... 
I can spend hours usually talking to him about them..

Idecided to buy him a lizard, I just had to decide which...
I decided on the Iguana.. 
not the green Iguana we are all use to seeing.....
i like a little bit of originality...So I bought a Spiny Tailed Iguana..
hes almost 1 metre long including his tail...
Upon getting him out of his cage... he escaped and this Iguana is now running through the store  Like a racehorse and he looks hilarious . eyes darting figuring out where to go...People laughing like fools..other people are screaming and ducking and darting about while store people now armed with nets are trying to catch the escaped convict...
instead of laughing as I would normally do, i stood there amused mildly, hoping almost that the iguana would make it to the exit and escape his captive world, however he did not and after 190 bucks and change he now sits in his 40 gallon terrarium atop of his log house.. 2 feet>>>> that way from my Pc Desk!

In all honesty my shopping bill yesterday including the Iguana and everything else topped a mild (considering) 415 dollars.... "there goes the new couch i had been saving up for"
My husband instinctively said to me today.. I know things are hard but spending all our money won't make her well..
i stared at him with the sort of look you give someone who knocks on your door selling "their religious" magazines...Pity then total anger at how dare they knock on my door and try and peddle me their religious beliefs............ how insulting..
I sat there...staring at the walls... deep inside i know my mind isn't in happy place and here I am doing things to take it somewhere else..hes right of course.. 
I've never done that before but then, how often would one?
I felt strange yesterday, almost dettached from the world,
almost like i was walking in a new one,
weird one minute.. strange the next..
Today i do the isolation retreat. I feel i need to find my smile again and without it,
i'm not  much of a person to be around.. even the dogs abandoned me lately,
although thats not unusual i've been a little bit "less then patient" with her pyscho ways lately..

If its true the owner takes after the dog..
then I should be definantly worried about my husbands mental state ..
naturally being the lil aussie battler I am...
i wouldn't be effected, that only stands to reason..

Oh well strange as it was.. I enjoyed yesterday...
i don't know why i can only assume it was because of the delight in my husbands eyes and heart over his new live -in friend...
maybe its because i actually got out or maybe theres no reason at all.. "shrug"
i'll be scarce in the woods for the next few days,
so please don't feel i have forgotten anyone by not tagging you all,
i just need some time to find my smile
and make a tag or comment "actually mean something"...
Love you all and thanks for everything too....
Wanders off to figure out why I left the tv on the blue screen channel again..
( and no its not so i am reminded of my pc )

Love Ya ....................Mean it
Dee



oh and Ps:
To all of you who have never experienced
the bite from a mound of fire-antz your standing on
(unseen due to wet conditons of the swampy backyard i know have again thanks to rain)
while waiting for the dog to pee..
"You Just Don't Know What Your Missing"



   8 comments

doctordoug
March 16, 2004   11:06 PM PST
 
Ditto , ditto and ditto,.. Stop bye here when you can... you don't anyone anything. You are still in a lot of people thoughts and prayers and no one is keeping score.
Kelly
March 16, 2004   10:19 PM PST
 
Wow Dee sounds like you just need to take some time to get over what almost sounds like shell shock! Hang in there! We all know you're going through and will patiently wait for you to return when you're ready! *hugs*
~justme~
March 16, 2004   06:19 PM PST
 
Glad you got out at least. Thinking of you....(((Hugs))))).

And we don't refer to it as "wizzy" at my house. It's "hoochie" lol. Just an fyi!
tinypixie
March 16, 2004   05:39 PM PST
 
About what your husband said about spending money etc.... I think some people find it theraputic to wander around shops when they are upset.

A couple of years ago when i lost my son i use to go to the shops with a trolley and just absently walk the aisles dropping in the strangest things. A particular favourite venue for me was the "$2" stores. Because then i could wander for hours, dropping things and spend $50 or so, as opposed to wandering through Myer or something i guess. We all cope with stress and grief in different ways. There is no wrong way.

Also, you haven't lost 'good mum' status because you forgot his lunch or were put out by having to go back. You love your son dearly and it shows, you are truly devoted to him and it's wonderful to hear you talk (write) about him. Look on the bright side, at least you remembered it! Once when i was in Grade One i had salad two days in a row, on the second day, my mum said, "How was your lunch?" i said, "My salad was a bit yucky." and mum exclaimed, "Oh no! I forgot to make your lunch!" I was eating two day old salad, yuck! LOL! I think we all have 'mistakes', for lack of a better word, with our kids, but they seem to grow up relatively unscathed, despite our occasional absentmindedness, or eating two day old salad.

Keep your chin up, sweet.
*Big Hugs*
Aile
March 16, 2004   05:37 PM PST
 
What'd you name the iguana?
MEL
March 16, 2004   04:58 PM PST
 
what a crazy day you have had..any way you are still in my heart and prayers..and i truely do hope that things get better because you deserve a life of happiness as does all of your family..*hugs and lots of love*
Dee
March 16, 2004   04:37 PM PST
 
ahh words don't always have as much meaning as thoughts anyways..
'this we both know to be true"

numb can be a good thing..
Like when elle mcpherson went to the OBGYN and he was beside himself that she was actually going to let "him" of all obgyn's "touch her supermodel.. "wizzy"..
he asks her to get naked and then lay on the table and spread her legs for him then says Miss Mcpherson please get comfortable as before i do any other procedure i would like to numb the area for your benefit...
she smiles and says certainly doctor..
he gentle pulls her legs apart then shoves his face into her wizzy ....and says: numb numb numb numb numb numb numb
numb numb numb numb numb
numb..."

shrug!
Friday
March 16, 2004   04:19 PM PST
 
I don't have any words - I'm actually kinda numb and have an almost deperate need to go shopping now.

Love you, girl.

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