Mar 26, 2004

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Melly and Just Some Girl
for taking it upon themselves to discuss my private life and share
it with others..
I hope you both have pride in your lives...
and a consciences that is snug and well preserved.
I'm sorry but i don't play "highschool" you all can continue
to live your lives wrapped up in yourselves and
your gossip and rumour mill bullshit..
... And be thankful that this has been brought
to my attention during such a crucial and sad time
in my real life...Not!
I have no desire to ever be involved with any of this nonsense nor an
in an online community where the greatest need is too feed off another and
then willingly share private information with people about them,
especially during a time of great weakness in their lives,
You people disgust me...
I won't be blogging on a personal level here after this post
as not only do i have no need to  but now i have no interest in doing so..
just to be ridiculed by two women whos own lives, morality and issues
far outweigh those of anothers.. How dare you both feel your that fucking
important  that you are even worthy to discuss my personal life 
with not only yourselves but others..
I have no concern nor care for what anyone thinks of this post, 
I have been nothing but admiral,
respectful, honest and helpful to both of these people to only find out that...
they in return have abused this,  trust and extended arm of friendship...
In my world if you swim with sharks you bound to get bit..
if you dont wanna get bitten then get the hell out of the water...
This is me climbing, onto the boat to say goodbye!
BDInsanity will stay open with me helping in the background..
no staff changes will be made as the two blogs are on a whole different level...
i have no resentment towards anyone involving this, i have spoken my peace and
said what i needed to say...regarding these issues..
and i just feel its better for me and my personal blog to be elsewhere..
Good luck to you all,
Many of you will hear from me when i am re-established...

There is change in my mothers condition at this point,
i truly do extend out my gratification and sincere appreciation to
all of you who have offered the smallest of concerns and care...


Love Ya....................Mean It

Enscribed at: 05:22 pm
Comments (25)

Mar 21, 2004
I Say..... You Think!

  1. Wife:: Sooz
  2. Criminal:: the cost of dentistry
  3. Campaign:: Trail
  4. Infection:: Plague
  5. Portland:: Oregon
  6. NASCAR:: Bobby Labonte weeeeeeeee!
  7. IMAX:: @ Mosi: nascar "now showing"
  8. Martian:: Marvin The Martian "My Fav Toon"
  9. Nike:: Just Do It
  10. Trial:: & Error.. "how I learnt Graphics"
brought to you by the wonderful mind
of Unconcious Mutterings

Enscribed at: 07:51 pm
Comments (3)

Mar 20, 2004
Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Take me out to the ball game
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks
I don't care if I ever get back
And it's root, root, root
for the home team
If they don't win, it's a shame
Cause it's one, two, three strikes
You're out
At the old ball game.

Yayyyyyyyyyyy go Yankee's woot woot..

Cleveland suckaroonies...... Toot Toot!

As you can guess i went to baseball at Winterhaven tonight
and watched my lil yankee doodle dandy's... play...

Did we win...??

Yesssss InDeedy Dee

We fucking Shit it In!!!!

Love Ya ...................Mean It

Enscribed at: 12:07 am
Comments (3)

Mar 18, 2004
Beauty & The Beast

Today I ventured into the garden and sat on the lawn chairs,
relishing in what my garden offers the world that lives beneath its glory..
The peace and tranquilty i felt from just sitting there is so wonderful..
My eyes begin to take in the warm hues of what spring has to offer
in the wake after a somewhat colder then normal winter..
A squirrel sat watching head to one side, eyes staring at me as i sat less then 2 feet away.
he  scurried downward from his branch to get  better view and then watched a little bit longer
before deciding i wasn't a threat. He scampered to the grassy lawn and grabbed something from its depths raced back to his homeward stairway, and then climbed to a small fork where he sat
nibbling on his new found food source..
I sat and watched him as he nibbled with frenzy-like zest, whilst he also watched me as he ate..
The birds hidden from my view within their tree-home folliage, chirping away with songs from their hearts,  are so beautiful i could listen to them all day...
A small breeze fluttered by gently brushing against the leaves, causing my windchimes to melodicly join in with natures song masters..
Lizards "mostly annoles"  wandering around
the tropical leafy enfolds of the small garden beneath the front windows, would stop and stare every few seconds,
then race onward to the next leaf looking for a perfect basking spot,
so they too could relish in the warmth that nature had to offer them...
A spider zinging about in his small web as the breeze too caught him offguard..
After the sway he starts repairing the small break that had occured from his unexpected "spiderly earthquake"...
A butterfly flits by.. then swirls through the air catching the breeze
as it too seems to be enjoying this warmth and beautiful moment, It then starts moving ever so gracefully barely touching upon any of the foliage beneath, It seems to be dancing to the glorious sounds of what they day has brung..
I sat for a good 45 minutes outside in the world of of glorious beauty,
absorbing everything that seemed so at peace with itself, only to watch it all leave in the blink of an eye when ambulance sirens less then a mile away caused unrest with mother nature, I too looked up from my moment of peace now disturbed, by human intrusion...
I sat for a few more seconds and decided as had mother nature,
that "those sirens" were rather annoying and I was going back inside my home to escape the disagreeable noise that was getting louder...

It was nice in the garden,
I really enjoyed rolling my toes beneath the blades of grass and seeing what escapes my vision just about every day..
"The beauty and wonderment of what nature truly has to offer us.."

What a shame my moment had been interrupted...
Ohhhh well....................... theres always tomorrow..

Love Ya............................Mean It

Enscribed at: 02:25 pm
Comments (5)

Because Love is what drives me and Driven I was....

I was so in awe of the most amazing person to have entered
my life in a very long time today...
Susan aka Fridays Child and I met here Mid last year-ish and  we fell in love...
Not in the sense we want to jump in bed make babies
and live happily every after kind of love, 
But one that which allows us to be who we are,
one that has enabled us to be accepting of one another,
no matter what our faults. To be there for one another no matter what our pain,
without the insistance of irritation, or overbearing attention...

We have struggled in both our lives, neither worse then the other,
both of us have suffered and together we now stand tall and proud,
we've accomplished so much and now we have found in one another
a bond we shall take to our graves, and then to the otherside...
If one of us goes to hell & the other to heaven, i'm sure 
"the cloud and lava phones" will be as hot too trot as ours are
in this existance...

Together we have conquered grief, love, anger, hopelessness, 
frustration illness and then some..
and yet It fails to be obvious to even the sincerest of us all,
that the bond we have is something that comes only but very
few times in a lifetime.. If your unlucky you may never experience it at all..

I dedicated this layout as a tribute to Susan's inner beauty,
I feel Davinci captured the essence of women so exquisitely...
However...knowing how amazing and giving she is...
If he were alive today and Susan had her portrait painted by him
Its hardly even imagineable that as talented as he is could even he,
completely capture all that and all that she can and will be..

She sent me The Davinci Code, as a gift from her heart to mine,
with the most adorable handmade "Personal Card"...
I wept for hours just because i have never been so touched by someone so special..

The  basis of the new look here and this tribute is all about Susan
Shes an amazing women, that cannot be equalled...

In the spirit of Art,
Your heart and soul,
The Book and Our Loving Friendship...
I dedicate this to you,
With much love, admiration and respect...

Thankyou for making this somewhat depressing journey I am riding right now,
A little bit more bearable,
you have inspired me and again left me speechless by your actions..
 I love you....

Enscribed at: 01:21 am
Comments (1)

Mar 17, 2004
St Pats Humpy Via The Mind

I wasn't going to post today as I have been
doing the absentee from home thing again (no spending i promise)
But then i saw mind up and in between drops offs and pick ups i figured
Why Not" quickly chuck it up..
okies .. here goes  SFA...

Week 10

This week, get your brain cells humpin' with a little, "I say ___, you think ___"  Here we go!"

1.   ::royal:: Lady Diana (the only true one in my book)
2.   ::oilcan:: What tight arse people need to buy and use regularly
3.   ::rib:: bad word for me to think about.. next!
4.   ::drool:: Stains
5.   ::cotton:: mouth snake
6.   ::flexible:: I can put my ankles  behind my ears sitting up so......Me
7.   ::brick:: The yellow Brick Road - Follow Follow
8.  ::streak:: naked american men running through universal studios carpark..
9.   ::fuzzy:: logic brain of late!
10. ::lounge:: lizard "in honour of our new pet"

Oh yeah .. Mind Hump is brought to you
by those friggin loonz over at bdInsanity! .....
Be Afraid............. Be Very Afraid!

Love Ya..............................Mean It!

Enscribed at: 03:20 pm
Make a comment

Mar 16, 2004
Strange as I can be.

Yesterday was almost symphonic for me, The world seemed musical, blurry to the true sight of my vison yet almost in perfect harmony, I ventured out into the big wide world for the first time in more then ten days and it almost seemed perfect.
Then i realised with great  sadness it wasn't,
how could it be  the perfect people are all dead in heaven...

My sons therapies went well and although it was riddled with meandering  saddened looks (those lil nods of understanding) from staff and others who by now knew about  "our personal crisis"  it was a good day for him...

I took him to his lil school sat there on the floor with 15, 3 year olds and sang  theres a hole in my bucket then left feeling almost like a great mother, and for about 5min and 35 seconds...I was!

I got to the car drove the 5minute drive to the new Super Target, reached in the back to retrieve my handbag and realised Obviously i was less then a great mother as sitting in the backseat was my sons lunch and drinks for the day.
I sighed that deep sigh of..  gosh now i have to go back there,
like his school was this big annoying place,
i may have to queue in a line to get something..." like the INS or DMV"...
It was less then five minutes drive and in less then 1minute i would be in and out the door and yet here i was thinking the day was destroyed by this one simple act of forgetfulness.

I drove back to the school dropped his lunch off,
as I started walking out I felt this urge to stand on a hill and scream,
obviously being at his school at 10 am in the morning wasn't really the right place to be doing this,
so instead i darted out in a flurry with tear swept eyes and sat in car like a bobblehead doll just waiting for some form of movement to get my jiggle on...

I eventually bobbled when a gardner from the school was at the rear of my car he started his whipper snipper up, and me being unaware he was there.... was startled, causing me to jump...
Ok... i thought ....
the body was kickstarted,  now would the mind please join in...!

I ventured back to target got what i wanted to buy which was car cleaning stuff...
I had no plan to go anywhere other then CDC  and yet here I was at the target buying stuff to clean my car..
Is there something weird about this scene..??
yup there is....
I don't clean my car, the carwash guys down the road i pay 16 bucks a month too, do it...
and let me tell you they do a mighty fine job, inside and out!
I always figured that was a lazy kind of cop out thing to do but its an suv and its just so, biggish...
however i have no excuse for taking my grand am there for 4 years prior..

I walked out of target having 128 dollars less then i had before i walked in there, i bought  my sons easter chocolates and basket and eggs,  reminding myself i did this so it won't be
"a chore i won't have to race around last minute to do now"
He also got some sandle thongs, myself a blouse that i probably will never wear, seens i own nothing it even matches, i just liked its colors.. as well as the cleaning products.

I drove home with my nose on my sleeve, my head up my arse and my vision somewhat clouded by the meer fact i just wasted money we don't  really have to waste..
I got home organised the CDC issue drove back there and dropped off the paperwork then called my husband for some brain bending and confirmation.
I then gave him a neurologists details for him to make an appointment at...
Then travelled to brandon, about 35 min drive south from me..
brandon has PET smart and Rack Room(a shoe outlet) The wonderchild required new runners and they sell Nike,  Reebok, Oshkosh, Converse,  blah blah at great prices...
Much cheaper then the mall sports stores and shoe stores..
I rallied through boxes of kids shoes, some ugly, wrong sizes, some not quite right,
 I hated shopping for shoes for him without the husband... we never buy our son anything without the other.. i guess we get somewhat more of a kick out of doing it together, as its for him...
it seemed weird as to why i decided to even take it upon myself to do this...
Something I'd never actually done before.
i truly would have liked the exact same ones i was replacing but they had none in that style anymore, so i settled on Nike's, they are nice shoes,  but another 42 dollars gone from the bank..

I had to go to Petsmart to buy molly a new collar and grab flea and worm stuff.
forgetting to get her worm and flea tablets requires you to bring in the dog...
another forgetful thing i added to the now growing list..

I was standing in petsmart absorbing in the smells of animals and animalia products, wondering if they would walk into a human store  and do the same thing if our worlds were reversed..
I have always thought this..., (excluding urine and faeces smells) The smell of animals is a werid thing...
I find it fascinating that u can walk past a human who has body odour and almost vomit..
and yet animals don't seem to be "that offensive" with their  natural smell.

maybe i just haevn't smelt a really bad animal before although when i was a kid we use to have a cockerspaniel who had a thing for rolling in dead animals specifically Qld cane toads ...and that was the most nauseating smell on an animal i have ever encountered, even dipping sheep and culling the fly blown rotten dagz of their arses was not as bad..

I started wandering aimlessly, enquired about the heart worm and flea tabs.." being reminded the dog had to be seen before they could be purchased"
I played with a puppy up for adoption, tickled some rabbits chins and talked to a rather not so friendly african grey parrot who was having a very destructive time of things with the sign
"do not touch cage" on his "cage" now missing partially thanks to him... 

I stopped as i saw this skink in a cage scuttering around like a mad thing  and then attacking the perspex facing of his cage like he had a real beef with it..
I guess being locked up in such a small space can even turn a small repitile into a neurotic..
i watched with interest remembering  my husbands love for lizards, knowing he so wanted to replace the one that died  in 2001 and we just never had..
almost without thinking i dialed him for the fourth time that day
and started going on about this crazy lizard, then  describing each of them at the store
and how cool they looked and were,
i was hinting without saying" do you want one?"
and he as dumb as he can be, went into a spiel about poisonous australian snakes
and sea snakes and how he had been arguing with someone about them,
i ended up hanging up thinking, i wish you would just shutup your wasting my minutes,
very weird thing to think really considering......... i called him!!!
and that i am passionate about Australian reptilia,
actually any animals really,
i find the animal kingdom just amazing,
but reptiles are a huge fascination... 
I can spend hours usually talking to him about them..

Idecided to buy him a lizard, I just had to decide which...
I decided on the Iguana.. 
not the green Iguana we are all use to seeing.....
i like a little bit of originality...So I bought a Spiny Tailed Iguana..
hes almost 1 metre long including his tail...
Upon getting him out of his cage... he escaped and this Iguana is now running through the store  Like a racehorse and he looks hilarious . eyes darting figuring out where to go...People laughing like fools..other people are screaming and ducking and darting about while store people now armed with nets are trying to catch the escaped convict...
instead of laughing as I would normally do, i stood there amused mildly, hoping almost that the iguana would make it to the exit and escape his captive world, however he did not and after 190 bucks and change he now sits in his 40 gallon terrarium atop of his log house.. 2 feet>>>> that way from my Pc Desk!

In all honesty my shopping bill yesterday including the Iguana and everything else topped a mild (considering) 415 dollars.... "there goes the new couch i had been saving up for"
My husband instinctively said to me today.. I know things are hard but spending all our money won't make her well..
i stared at him with the sort of look you give someone who knocks on your door selling "their religious" magazines...Pity then total anger at how dare they knock on my door and try and peddle me their religious beliefs............ how insulting..
I sat there...staring at the walls... deep inside i know my mind isn't in happy place and here I am doing things to take it somewhere else..hes right of course.. 
I've never done that before but then, how often would one?
I felt strange yesterday, almost dettached from the world,
almost like i was walking in a new one,
weird one minute.. strange the next..
Today i do the isolation retreat. I feel i need to find my smile again and without it,
i'm not  much of a person to be around.. even the dogs abandoned me lately,
although thats not unusual i've been a little bit "less then patient" with her pyscho ways lately..

If its true the owner takes after the dog..
then I should be definantly worried about my husbands mental state ..
naturally being the lil aussie battler I am...
i wouldn't be effected, that only stands to reason..

Oh well strange as it was.. I enjoyed yesterday...
i don't know why i can only assume it was because of the delight in my husbands eyes and heart over his new live -in friend...
maybe its because i actually got out or maybe theres no reason at all.. "shrug"
i'll be scarce in the woods for the next few days,
so please don't feel i have forgotten anyone by not tagging you all,
i just need some time to find my smile
and make a tag or comment "actually mean something"...
Love you all and thanks for everything too....
Wanders off to figure out why I left the tv on the blue screen channel again..
( and no its not so i am reminded of my pc )

Love Ya ....................Mean it

oh and Ps:
To all of you who have never experienced
the bite from a mound of fire-antz your standing on
(unseen due to wet conditons of the swampy backyard i know have again thanks to rain)
while waiting for the dog to pee..
"You Just Don't Know What Your Missing"

Enscribed at: 04:06 pm
Comments (6)

Mar 13, 2004
I'm Truly Humbled - Thankyou

I have been so humbled by EVERYONES wonderful emails, tags,
and comments and how wonderful the blogging community can truly be..
I have tried in vain to respond to most of you
and thank you but as you may know my and my family's
lives right now are in turmoil and i'm pretty much glued to Australia via phone.
For those i haven't been to yet..Please know not one of you has gone un-noticed..
I shall try to get to you and thank you for your kind words thoughts and prayers,
You all have no idea how appreciative I am and how deeply moved
 I have been by everyone.
Some of you i am unable to contact as there were none left for me to follow:
and to you people I am so very greatful, you have shown to not only myself
but others how wonderful and kind  we all can be..
I am stumbling for words as i am overwhelemed with not only grief
but also love and warmth, thanks to you all..
I have passed on emails of well wishes and prayers to my family
who are all amazed at how incredible my blogging friends,
aquaintences and even strangers have been.
They send their very best wishes and thankyous
and are also as truly humbled as I have been.

So far I have recieved over 100 emails and candles  have also been lit
in my mothers honour as well by others..Such a wonderful gesture.
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Theres truly no amount of words i can show you all at how truly honoured,
blessed and thankful I am for everything you have all offered me and my family
as well as being so very appreciative of all your prayers, thoughts,
kind-words, gestures, hope and love...
I can only say Thankyou and offer you my heart and hugs in return.
I have never been so inspired nor humbled by people and You are all wonderful people..
Again I thankyou deep from within..
Bless you All

Love Ya..................................Mean It

From My Mum to you all:

Dear Dee,John and Aidan,
I was so touched by your email, and the candle lighting,  I just don't know what to say,
please tell all your friends I am soooo grateful and give them all my love. I am just amazed at how many wonderful friends and family I have, and how amazing your network of online love and friendship is, it has helped me to find the strength to fight this as hard as I possibly can.
Thankyou so much xxxxxx

Enscribed at: 12:21 am
Comments (8)

Mar 11, 2004
My World Just Came To A Tragic Halt

Do I ever blog deeply about my life.. not on realists terms I don't,
I meander through the edges and fringes of my world, 
I talk in some about my special needs child and
I have given accounts of my horriblest year to date 2003...
I gave an account of what that year mean't to me
and why I was looking so forward to 2004...
Tonight I got a very unexpected phone call from Australia,
for those of you who don't know or didn't realise "I am an Aussie",
However, I reside in The United States and have done for the past 6 years!
A phone call from Australia at 10:15pm on any night for me "means" somethings going on...
My family ALWAYS call my daytime when they call as its considerably cheaper...
Being its their night time and rates at night are less.. even internationally..
I guess its like the Usa, It simply depends on the plan you have...
I answered the phone thinking it was Friday or maybe the Husband calling from softball
to let me know he was on his way home, but no.. Its was "pip pip" Australia Calling..
I hear this voice that makes me feel so loved and always has,
that deep gruff ocker sound of a man who I have adored my whole life..
G'day Diddles" it says,
tears well up in my eyes, its been 8 years since not only have
I have seen this man, but hugged him as well...
and the meer sound of his voice tugs at my heart strings terribly..
he has a quiver to his voice and he sounds so Australian at times, that
he even appears backwards, "not the full quid"...
but this man is so kind, so gentle, so wise,
In fact hes so wise, 
he makes the wise seem more stupid everytime we talk...
I could never fool this man with my thoughts,
my voice, my eyes, my life, my everything...
hes read my every move, knows my every step,
and has danced long before i could even walk that tall..
I walk in his footsteps i am almost his clone,
and yet i have a spirit unlike his, i have a fire deep within,
a fiesty little sprite whos viscious tongue,
can cut glass in half and make it look like it was butter.
This man has not got that  little sprite,
its the only thing he never passed forward into the world..
He's a big tall burly man with a wonderful sense of humor,
a loving heart, eyes that are bluer then any ocean or sky and filled with nothing but fun..
you can see hes a prankster and a joker, but you can also see his warmth and kindness,
His face, laugh and large as life personality and amazing positive attitude
fill up a room so full at times others are simply forgotten...
He adores his wife more then his own life
and he has the most genuine soul of anyone human being I know..
No-one could ever walk in his footsteps nor even come close to wearing his shoes...
This man is My Dad ....hes everything i described and more but to me... 
hes Just "my daddy"
So we swap hellos, i feel this evil pit in my stomache...
"theres got to be something wrong, no-one from home calls this late..... "ever"...
 he starts crying, My dad crying on a phone thousands of miles away,
my heart wrenches, I so want to hug him, hes my dad and hes crying on a phone to me...
its heartbreaking... to me that this man who is so strong, so tall, so proud, so amazing can be this terrified and cry like theres no tomorrow....
my dads voices dips into an eerily quiet whisper, and he speaks every so slowly but clearly between sobs,
Dee I hate to call you like this but theres no other way,
Your mums not good, things got bad yesterday, for her, i think shes going to die,
then he looses it, his sobs become heart wrenching gasps for breath,
as he now is crying so hard he cannot even hold the phone in his hand...
I hear muffled noises as I am left, holding my end of the line....mouth wide open, tears streaming down my cheeks, I am mortified, what the hell is going on.... 
I here a voice... one shaking, but a sweet voice, god she sounds like me, we both agree hearing the other talk is like an echo of ourselves, many a time i have fooled my dad and mums friends with just the meer words "hello Holmes residence"....on the end of a phone..
She is amazing talented, artistic, kind, adoring, loving to every creature god put on this earth,
she finds good in everyone, and shes never said a harsh word
about anyone in all the years I have known and loved her...
However She has that fiesty sprite and when shes mad,
oh boy does her tongue waggle,
I have been on the end of that sprite tongue and its a very unpleasant experience...
but i've rarely seen her use it and it takes ever so much for her
to raise that sprite form her inner depths and let it loose upon us...,
i know i have that same little fiesty one is living within me,
Shes also my clone.. I am so much of what she is and yet i am so much more of my father,
but I am definantly their child in every sense of the word..
She speaks fast< Dee its mum... hang on a second please..
I hear her consoling my father telling him to be positive, that shes going to outlive his bloody old arse, to go and wash his face and stop crying,
"its upsetting the dogs ya silly old thing"... she says
The whole time i hear them  I am bawling, tears are so fast and thick I no longer have visions, i now sit on the floor in my kitchen crying,  this is a bad dream it has to be...
my dad hoarsly croaks I love you to my mum and leaves the room..
I here a door close then I hear my mothers voice again..
Dee are you there...
I gasp a small yes...
She then goes into detail how she was having rib pain
and decided to go the doctor who sent her to a bone specialist and oncologist...
At worst she thought because it was irritating her hip as well that she had a sciatic issue
or maybe it was just simply old age arthritis...My parents are both in their Mid 50's...
She continued with so here i was thinking "nothing" of it, I had no idea it was going to be bad, nor did your father, that he dropped me off at the doctors and left to go to the bakery for some soy bread and was going to then come back and get me.
I gave him a list of other things he could have if he wanted and sent him on his way..
I sat in the specialists office as he read out the results of the tests i had done
and i literally fell too the floor...
Your father got there shortly afterward and came in and they told him the news too..
He started crying imediately i've never seen him look so terrified "NEVER"
My mother has battled breast cancer in 2002/2003 she was given the all clear in her last 2 testing sessions the cancer had not reappeared anywhere and all seemed fine..
but all that had now gone to this shithole, her 7 surgeries, losing both breasts, 3 times in a coma due to treatments, her lymphatic system completely removed, all the chemotherapy,  radiation therapy, having nothing left to take away but a huge gutted out hole for a chest, all the after care drugs and surgeries, and she was back there again but this time it was different..
The cancer was in 4 places,
Her Bones!
She now has Bone cancer, and its non reversible this is her death sentence,
its in her leg, her hip her ribs and her spine...
They have yet to give an offical time of life expectancy,
legally they cant give anything accurate, its all estimations..
she wants to know how long she has, she needs to plan whats left of her life... 
Tuesday she flies back off to the leading cancer treatment center in Australia
where she will stay for many months to come,
They will do ct's and Mri's of her whole body and all her organs
and find out if anywhere else has been affected,
Marrow treatment may be an option and it may prolong life expectancy,
but bone cancer is one of the least treatable of cancers..
the meer fact its in her spine, is the "scariest" of all
and the one they are most concerened with, 
she was told its usually a good indication its in the brain,
the cells are not just in bones and  visible but are still multiplying in the areas they have found... already, in less then 3 days the cancer on her leg bone grew almost 1.5 cms..
I sit here tonight after hanging up from that phone-call my heart is hollow, my life was just shattered, I have no real words of how i feel.. i am stuck in America my mother thousands of miles away with a huge sign that screams your going to die over her head, and cant even function..
I feel torn between the two worlds i live in... here with my sons needs, my husbands needs....
and my world at home with my mother, father and family..
If I leave I can't come back, if I go I cannot take my child...
I am one of those still waiting for legal residency in The usa
and have been for five years,
I'm stuck in the beaureaucratic paper world of the INS and Government..
damned if i do damned if i don't...
if I leave I give up my status and I cannot re-enter this country for a minimum of 3 years..
if i do I cannot take my US citizen son nor husband without visa's
If we go we cant return for at least 3 years...
then how do we survive, no job no home no nothing to go too In Australia,
He cant work there and I haven't worked in over 5 years now,
what kind of job would i even be able to hold down in Australia,
especially where economic growth is as bad as it is here...
Family could and would help but for 3 years thats not feasible in anyones eyes,
nor would I ever dream of asking...
My sons medical expenses are enough to give anyone financial problems...
My sons special needs themselves...what becomes of his life...?
My husbands father also is going through cancer treatment here,
theres no way my husband will leave his family when we both face  the same horrors
and nor would I ask... the dilemma in itself is mindboggling..
the pain i feel right now is so numb i just cannot even begin to fathom
the whole situation at hand..
My dad says once they "know" they'll work on coming here when shes doing good..
i cried and my heart just dropped..
my mind screamed..."who does good with death related cancer.. really.. who does"
 But I was positive and said yeah we can make her go to disney and be stupid with goofy ..
he snickered...deep down i knew it was only to save face he did that.. I've never heard my dad so traumatised nor terrified, I said to my husband when she goes,
dad won't last a year he will, "will" himself to die with her..
Hes so in love with my mum they really are one,
and without her on this earth he won't have a reason to be here...
I'm sorry this blog is so melancholy and it makes my head spin,
i doubt i have ever blogged this deeply about myself, but i had too get it out,
i had ot release something, my worlds just collided with my life
and i am lost and have nowhere to turn...nor to hide..
if you pray, please pray that god delivers my family some miracle
and keeps my mum around for a few more years,
shes one of his chosen, I know and her soul is pure as snow on the whitest of days,
shes very good people, and if he does take her before we are ready to let go,
Pray it be painless and swift, I don;t want my mum to suffer, she deserves so much more...
I look at my own blog and others and their petty complaints,
bullshit and mellodrama's and i feel shocked, shocked I am caught up in all this crap,
my reality hit home tonight and feel sickened by people including myself..
We are truly a shallow race of life, even worms have more respect for their own kind...

I sign off for now and again I ask, no matter what your spiritual beliefs
whether christian or other, please include my mum in your worlds
and pray for her in your own special way...

Love Ya........................................Mean It

Enscribed at: 12:28 am
Comments (24)

Mar 10, 2004
Mind Hump & Other Stuffage

After much thought, I figured i would do the mindhump even though I'm really drained and not in the mood for it...
"Nothing against you wifey" but u and I both know the reasons why..

Before that though heres a wee irish-type update
for those inquisitive enough to meander through:

The Wissy teeth hell....
I'm still painfully toodling along and have 4 more days until I get to see the dentist about the nerve damage in my face... I hope its only temporary, but then knowing my bloody luck it may not be, all i can do is think Postively..

With so much DRAMA around blogdrive lately, I wonder why i want to be a part of this community at all, it just seems to get worse and people really need to shutup, grow-up,
and mind their own frigging business.
The layout fighting of which i have no desire to comment on and I shan't, but it has tarnished an innocent parties blog "who is away on holies" and that sickens me more then anything,
I feel sad she will come back to profanity and more on her tagboard
about a subject and issue she has no clue about..
Some people make me physically ill with uneccesary bullshit!

Other issues of late:
Email from the new nazi moderator of whom is so power trippy and hungry he lets being called "1" name affect him for days on end like a 6 year old who got called a sook in the playground for crying when he fell.. Trying to force other moderators into making themsleves known as mods "stupid to say the least"  who cares whos a mod or not, the whole  thought process is mod the tagboard so idiots don't over-run it with overindulged profanity, spamming and so forth.. "not useless lighthearted bantering nor anything else, that simplistic.."
this is not grade school... its a tagboard on the fucking internet!"
Cant handle the heat  get the fuck out of the kitchen..
"its simple too me"
But don't start harassing and emailing other moderators and telling the how they should be doing their jobs... and yup i still hold to my honesty in the name i called you.. "you are a Moronic Mod"  their name i have withheld simply because i cant stand email
and I myself know if i make them known, that is what I'll end up with..
"for stating how pathetic they truly are!"
being a moderator is one thing being a powertripper is another, your not good at either, just a poor mans attempt at being something your not!>>stop mailing me and piss off!

To more dramatic issues that really are either personal or not worthy of a place on my blog tonight..
I was called controversial today because i refuse to let anyone brow beat me with their sterile and simplistic views, I was also basically told i am hated on the main tagboard by everyone who hangs there, then i guess I'll hang there more and be hated more...At least "thats entertainment" for you haters and it gives you something to all email or tag or message each other about,
where would life be without us "hated ones"

Now onto Mind Hump Day....
Created this week by my wife at  BDInsanity  go there if you dare, and join in the fun...

If You Could:

1.  If you could live your life as a cartoon character, which one would it be & why?
"Marvin the Martian.. because I'm fascinated with anyone who uses a broom as a helmet and, Its the "kaboom" factor for all I know or anyone else knows, that could be the orgasmic solvent of the universe!

2.  If you could be invisible for 24 hours how would you spend those hours?
HMMM .... In the whitehouse while bush was there, because i wanna prove to myself that he did indeed lie to all of us about those weapons of mass destruction we never found...and see for myself why hundreds of our soldiers have bene killed and are still dying!
3.  If you could call a much younger you on the phone, what would you tell you? Chocolate Reeses have peanut butter in them .. Don't Bite It!!!!
4.  If you were one of the Seven Dwarves what would your name be? (excluding the original names of Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy and Doc)
Mookie, its the name of a stuffed bear I named and have had since I was 3!
5.  If you came with a warning label that was clearly displayed at all times, what would it say?
Night-Time Feeding Only, 
Hazardous Vocal Material Please Don't Push Buttons!

Love Ya..................................Mean It

holies = vacation
wissy= wisdom teeth

Enscribed at: 08:38 pm
Comments (3)

Next Page